just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All the doctor said was why
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
