I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
