Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
