my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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