so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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