Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
