so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
