All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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