today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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