Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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