I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
