I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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