she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
