Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Houston, we have a squirter
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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