I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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