how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
