Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
