saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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