Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
