no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
