yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
