don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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