The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
