i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
