My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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