He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
