Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
