oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
