I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Two words: nipple clamps
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