I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
