Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
