I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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