The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
