At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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