I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize