he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
