Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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