she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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