Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
