P.S. I can't hear my feet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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