Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
