I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
