My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
