I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
