mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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