margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
