u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
People in love make me want to vomit
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
why is half of my head shaved?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
