I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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