hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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