i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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