I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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