Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
