i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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