Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
