JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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