The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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