the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I didn't notice because vodka
When did angry sex become our thing?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
