nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
